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Parenting Dilemma

My husband is depressed and hasn't bonded with our baby


 "My daughter is 5 months old and my husband has not bonded with her at all. After six years of marriage, he feels like our relationship is gone because of the baby. He tells me he's not ready to be a father, and he seems very depressed. I've told him he needs to get help or I'll leave. What else can I do? Please help."

Do you have advice for this distressed new mom? Share it here! (To add your two cents, scroll down to the comments box below.)


What our readers say:

"I am 8 weeks pregnant and my husband is a jerk. We have been trying to get pregnant for a while and he is only supportive when its convenient to him. When I get symptoms, he says they are all in my head or I developed them because I read about it. One of the symptoms is irritability and I have been only my husband does not see it that way instead he tells me I am being a miserable bitch. Other times he does everything for me and says relax and take care of my baby. What a jerk huh? He is domineering and a control freak and I have lived with this but how can I tell him what a jerk he is being while I am pregnant and that I don't need this behavior right now?"


"Are you paying enough attention to him? Believe it or not it might be as simple and rudimentary as not having the sex life you use to have. Make a time for the two of you. He was number one in your life before that baby came along. Now he probably loves that baby much more than you think, but he is jealous of her and probably missing the old sex life you use to have. A good hour or two of passion once or twice a week will make him feel a lot more secure. Make him feel like he is still your lord of the jungle. Once you’ve made him purr for a little while, his jealousy will go away, he'll feel a lot less threatened; more secure, and will feel a lot more comfortable about the new kitten in the den. I know it sounds a little overly simplistic, but I bet it will work a lot better that trying a Freudian Dr. Phil approach. Sexually satisfied men are usually a lot easier going around the house than those who feel they have been cut off because of the newcomer to the home."



Baby's age: 0-3 months 3-6 months 6-9 months 9-12 months 12-18 months 18-24 months

Baby's skin tone: Fair Medium Dark

Baby's gender: Boy Girl

Skin care need: Diaper Rash Eczema Cradle Cap Bathing


"Bonding with children is not a "natural" process for many men. You have wonderful motherly hormones running around. But (in case you haven't checked lately... you might want to refresh your memory;) your husband isn't female! It can take a long time for men to feel a strong attachment to their children, particularly if they never had to deal with young children or babies in their own childhood (Only child?) Truth be told, I didn't really have a *strong* relationship with my children until after they developed some kind of individual personalities, well after a year old.

This month, I've been reading all kinds of strategies about how to deal with toddlers and temper tantrums. I'm sure you did your own research on that kind of issue (or will do so soon! :-) Put the same amount of effort you would put into researching that, into also researching how to include a father in child relationships (in ways that are meaningful to FATHERS, not mothers!)

Also... he may have very valid concerns that, after the baby arrived, your relationship IS "gone". The baby may be completely monopolizing your time. I notice you didn't address that issue at all.
You cant put a marriage "on hold", no matter the circumstances. A marriage takes *daily* work to maintain. You cant just turn your feelings on and off at will... neither can he.

He married you so that you would spend the rest of your lives together. Make sure your lives truly are together, and with positive things for both of you. If all you can do is threaten to leave, it may be a sign that you have dropped your responsibilities as a spouse. You now have an ADDED commitment, not a redirection of commitments. Don't neglect your "old friends" for your "new friends"!

Not to mention, some day (hopefully), your child will move out of the house, and you will be alone with your husband again. Are you going to have any kind of meaningful life left together, or will you have devoted the prior 20-25 years to your children alone?
Live in the now, but plan for the future."
-- A father

"I know what you are going through. My husband was out to sea for the first 6 months of our sons life... (who is not a year old) He has had 6 months to get that bond back and he hasn't. He says he doesn't feel like the baby is his son so he built a wall between them. He plays with the baby when it is convenient for him, he only changes, feeds, or bathes him when asked and then it is with attitude... No wonder my son cries whenever they are together... But instead of trying to re-create the bond they had at birth, my husband pushes our son away. I have no advice for you I just want you to know you are not alone... I wish I had advice. because then maybe i would not be in this situation."


"Wow, reading these makes me realize that there are all types of folks our there. Maybe it's because me and my wife are not 'young' parents (mid-30s), and therefore more ready to have children, but as the dad in this relationship it's hard to believe some of the behavior that other dads in this column are exhibiting. Maybe it's b/c they're still young, or your relationships are newer, or they think they still have things to do in life other than having kids. My gut feeling is just that if they're sitting there with a perfectly wonderful, adorable, beautiful baby in front of them and they are not instantly in love with that baby, they're nuts. I love my daughter of 14 days more than anything, from the minute she came out. I realize this doesn't help anyone (sorry), but I just don't understand the behavior of dads described here. Having said all this, I do think that at a certain level, you do get a kind of fear when the baby is born -- like, 'OK, now she's ours to take care of every minute of the day'... you sometimes don't think you're up for it, and this may scare some people (dads) into all sorts of defensive or other behavior to deal with the reality. Anyway, I wish everyone the best of luck, and happy, healthy babies..."


"Wow, reading these makes me realize that there are all types of folks our there. Maybe it's because me and my wife are not 'young' parents (mid-30s), and therefore more ready to have children, but as the dad in this relationship it's hard to believe some of the behavior that other dads in this column are exhibiting. Maybe it's b/c they're still young, or your relationships are newer, or they think they still have things to do in life other than having kids. My gut feeling is just that if they're sitting there with a perfectly wonderful, adorable, beautiful baby in front of them and they are not instantly in love with that baby, they're nuts. I love my daughter of 14 days more than anything, from the minute she came out. I realize this doesn't help anyone (sorry), but I just don't understand the behavior of dads described here. Having said all this, I do think that at a certain level, you do get a kind of fear when the baby is born -- like, 'OK, now she's ours to take care of every minute of the day'... you sometimes don't think you're up for it, and this may scare some people (dads) into all sorts of defensive or other behavior to deal with the reality. Anyway, I wish everyone the best of luck, and happy, healthy babies..."


"definitely don't leave--he needs you now to help him thru this. so he can come to realize what a pure joy having a child is. and yes it is very hard on relationships- but the payoff after a couple of hard sleepless (and sometimes lonely) months is an incredible bond b/t the three of you. i hope he gets the help he needs so he can begin to enjoy this time w/ you."


"I just have a very hurt conversation with my husband on the phone. He is at his friends place and telling me that he needs sometimes away and not coming home for couple of nights. In the conversation, he mentioned that I'm always too busy no time for him, our 3 months old daughter only wants mommy and every time he comes home either just to fix this or that. I was really upset and hurt and even think of divorce if things doesn't workout. After reading all the comments here, now I understand the problems that we are facing and we both need to work this out. I have been too protective of my daughter which cause the gap between my husband and her. I spend too much time with my daughter especially I'm breastfeed and forgot about him but he still has to understand that our daughter not only need her mommy but daddy too. We definitely need a serious talk. I need to know how he really feels and have some action plan. I hope this will work out and I really want him to enjoy the special bond with his daughter! Try to talk and work it out with your husband before any serious action and good luck to us all!"


"I am pregnant now, & the soon to be father isn't happy about it at all. I don't get my belly rubbed, no more kisses. It's really hard for me to understand why this isn't a blessing to him. I'm not even 2 months & I'm ready to leave him over this. I guess that's not great advise, but I understand what makes you want to leave."


"I want to comment on what Melissa said. What you said about her husband needing another woman ie sex partner is downright wrong (And I do not need a PhD to figure that out) What she is going through is very common (yet unfortunate) amongst men. She will get through this and it doesn't have to lead to a separation or divorce. Hang in there and IGNORE what Melissa said. "

 

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